On Again... Off Again

It's after the holidays. I didn't make any new year's resolutions! I'd already resolved in my mind that this would be the year for me. I just had to get through the biggest eating time of the year! I didn't come out unscathed either. I gained about ten pounds.

I have what would have been my third doctors appointment of six before my actual surgery on January 9. However, it will be my first all over again because I missed my November appointment. I could kick myself, but it is what it is.

I'm hoping within the next couple of months I'll have my surgery date. I haven't chosen my surgeon yet. I've attended two seminars one in Summerville and the other for Roper St. Francis. In February I'm going to ride to Lexington and attend a seminar there. My insurance company recommends Center Of Excellence certified hospitals and staff, and that is the closest one to me. I may chose whomever I like, however, to perform the surgery. My friend mentioned the band adjustments, and my possibly having to ride all the way to Lexington for each one, so now I'm leaning towards choosing one closer to home. We shall see.

Today I've started back with myfitnesspal.com as well as portion control. I hate to see the look on Dr. Clancy's face when she sees how much weight I have NOT lost. Ups and downs, remember? I'm not going to focus so much on what I'm eating as I will how much and when I'm eating- aside from avoiding the obvious fried chicken and brownies and such. I did purchase a variety of fresh veggies to snack on when the urge to munch comes a knocking.

I'll be honest. I am fighting depression in a fierce way. I feel as though I have to push through my daily activities, like the quality of my life is just fading away. I hate myself on most days and on the others I don't like anyone else. I know God will help me through this I just have to give all the ugliness to Him and concentrate on the path ahead of me. Pride is one thing that never survives an ordeal like this. On again and off again. The moment to be proud will be down the road when I look back at the girl that was on the verge of giving up and realize how far I've come. The pride won't be in myself but in my God and family that helped me get through possibly the toughest time in my life.